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10+ Ways To Make Sex Unbelievably Awkward
Thursday, November 21, 2013
1.) Turn up your favorite tunes, and thrust to the beat.  Not only will this make sex awkward, but it may actually ruin your favorite song for you.

2.) Guys: In an attempt to talk dirty, say things like:
-"I want to stick my penis into your vagina."
-Talk about how badly you want to engage in "Coitus/sexual intercourse"
-"I will ejaculate on your lady parts!"
-Call your woman "Mom"
-"Your vagina reminds me of my trip to the Grand Canyon when I dropped my pen off a cliff"
- Cry.

3.) Ladies: these four words "Is it in yet?"
-While the guy is thrusting, calmly start reciting the items on your grocery list.
- Start making Lorena Bobbit jokes.
- Pull out a dildo or vibrator significantly bigger than your man's penis.
- Sing Celine Dion songs while thrusting.
- Tell your man that you're into getting fisted.
- "Your manhood reminds me of the times I've changed my baby cousin's diaper".
- Talk about how cute your man's penis is and what kind of baby animal it reminds you of.
Point #4.  Sexy.
4.) Stare intensely into your partner's eyes like you would if you were trying to eat their soul.  Don't blink.  Open your eyes as big as possible while breathing
heavily, or holding your breath until you turn blue.

5.) While "inside", go on your smartphone and text your friends, tweet, online shop, or read blogs (preferably mine).

6.) Make dying animal noises while thrusting.  Be very loud when doing this.  My fave is a guy who sounds like a whimpering puppy- that's grounds for taking away the guy's Man Card.

7.) Fall asleep during the deed.  Nothing's more of a mood-killer than someone KO'ed from exhaustion/boredom.

8.) Fart/ burp during sex.  I know everyone gets gassy (yes, even the ladies who will deny this till death), so if you happen to do this during sex, expect a bit of a break after releasing the gases before starting up again.  It's not the end of the world, just might make for a brief laugh-a-thon, unless your partner is a self-righteous prick.  Don't worry about running and hiding either- that will just make matters worse.

9.) Overdoing facial expressions: the "porno face", "sex face", "orgasm face", etc.  Here are a few examples:

10.) Overdoing moaning sounds and/or screaming like a possessed banshee.

BONUS:  Talk about how bad your partner's private parts smell.  Compare the smells to things such as:
-a septic tank
-rotten, uncooked fish
-a decaying carcass
-moldy cheddar cheese
-fried chicken
-Lake Ontario on the Hamilton/Stoney Creek side
-a compost bin sitting in the hot sun
-the smells from any kind of zoo/farm animal
-a hockey goaltender's glove
-a kitty litter box, etc...

  If you're actually into any of these things, then my blog was an epic fail in the attempt to suggest ways to make sex real awkward for you.  Want to share more ways to make sex awkward?  Comment down below, or tweet me @JerZGrlinCanada
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